Unrest

I am in spiritual unrest. 

There’s no cure for that. I know. I’m quite experienced. However, I think it’s okay when that happens. When this happens, people worry and stress that something’s not right, but I wonder if it’s just human. A long time ago, a friend told me that you need to cry once a week so you can balance out all the happiness in life. If there’s one thing I know it’s that the whole universe is about balance. I know that and that there is a God. 

That’s what keeps me going when I’m not at rest. It doesn’t matter what scientists (even the nice ones) say. I know there is a higher power. I really do think that He (or She, whatever) loves humanity, and is creative and compassionate. I would say that I know that instinctively, but that would be unfair to my dear atheist friends who instinctively know that there is no higher power.  I really can’t explain why I know that there is. 

I’ve been trained in apologetics throughout my high school years. Give me an argument against Christianity and I can usually point out any flawed logic or obvious bias. I know most of the questions to ask and I understand a couple theological terms that could throw someone for a loop. However, if someone was to ask me how I could believe that there was a God, I’d be admittedly dumbfounded. It’s not really something I know. I would say it’s a feeling but that would insult my dear Christian friends who know Jesus intellectually. 

So I’m very stuck on how to explain that I know there is a God. I’m not sure if I need to know why I know. I’m also not sure if that last sentence made any sense. I know that there is a God though. And I believe that against all odds, He loves us all, even those who don’t feel quite right spiritually. Including me. 

During this time of unrest, I read that if you cannot pray that you should get into a place close to prayer. 

So I get onto the swings that are a couple blocks from my house. And I swing back and forth like a pendulum. This helps me to gain new perspective on my life. I can look up and see the trees towering over me and the immenseness of blue sky that has existed for ages. In that moment I feel about 7 inches tall. It’s a wonderful spot to be.

 And I read Anne Lamott and Donald Miller. If I could choose my spiritual family – the ones who have given me life and raised my little spirit into an adolescent spirit – they would be my aunt and uncle. “Auntie Anne” tells stories that almost always have a moral and can spin words into a warm quilt that I can fall asleep in. Uncle Don can tell stories too, but his have more of an edge and encourage you to get up and get going.

Lastly, I volunteer at my church. This one is the most important. I maintain that the most spiritual act one can do is to help someone else. I love the feeling of making someone’s day a little lighter and bearable. And no one needs that more than my pastors. 

Maybe I’m not feeling quite spiritual right now. However, that is just a feeling like any other feeling. The saying “You can’t be angry at me forever” is true. I can’t be angry at someone forever. Feelings pass. It’s some of the happiest news and the saddest news of humanity. Sometimes it’s just a phase. 

So I don’t think I need to go through the Seven Steps to a Successful Relationship with God. I think God and I are still doing great. A relationship doesn’t depend on feelings. It depends on commitment. And I know God is committed to me and I am committed to Him. Even if I don’t feel like it.